Tragic Nocturne
by saveoneforblack
Summary: Based on books by VC Andrews. Troy and Heaven meet in her office and cannot resist their own temptations...
1. Intro

TRAGIC NOCTURNE  
  
This story is a compilation of my own posts for a VC Andrews roleplay in which I write as Troy Tatterton. You should know a bit of background information to understand this story. It is set after the time of Gates of Paradise, but Heaven is alive and well. She and Troy met months earlier and due to circumstances that don't need to be divulged, Troy lied to Heaven by telling he never loved her and only loved Leigh. Now, the two meet again, and Troy is ready to tell her the truth... 


	2. One

Absently I tapped the pen on the hard slick surface of the mahogany desk, comforted somehow to hear even this slight sound in the otherwise silent office. I couldn't stand silence. It gave way too easily to thoughts that would scream noiselessly in my head until the nothingness that surrounded me seemed to roar and become unbearably hot and suffocating. And so I tapped and tapped, and strained my ears to hear the distant commotion outside the factory as the guests left, and paid careful attention to the snapping of the fire that blazed on even as the hot summer afternoon morphed rapidly into the hot summer evening.  
  
In vain I tried to decide what sort of note to write Heaven. A little taste of the apology I had to make or no mention of my purpose for returning to Winnerrow at all? Perhaps I could leave my phone number and request that she call me, or maybe more directly ask her to meet me. Ah, no one sentence was perfect, not when there was so much I needed to say and so little opportunity to say it at this very moment. And so many repercussions a small message may have - a tone too casual might convince her further that I didn't care for her, and saying too much too soon was dangerous as well. Never before had I had so much trouble composing a simple letter!  
  
All right. Just a small something to let her know I'd been here and that I wanted very much to speak with her. No blank paper lay atop the desk so my hand fell to the brass handle of a drawer that slid smoothly open when I tugged it. Several small notepads lay in the well-organized drawer, and from the array I selected a plain white square to write upon. Just before pushing the drawer shut, a glint of something silver caught my eye and forced me to take a second look at the office supplies.  
  
An exacto knife lay inconspicuously between a stapler and a wooden ruler. As if my hand were being controlled by some outside force, my fingers plucked the knife from it's place and let it fall softly into my palm. The plastic casing was cool and smooth against my skin and the gleaming metal of the blade was spotlessly clean and dangerously sharp. An image flashed in my mind of slicing my own tender flesh with a blade so much like this one. Razor sharp and thin enough to create a clean incision from whence reddish-black blood poured.  
  
So hopeless I'd felt then, at that time and in that place. And even now I could still understand the thought process I'd had - I was a curse to my family, a desperate floater in a world that would never be mine, and wouldn't it be so much easier just to end it all before it grew worse and worse? I still remembered the pain I'd felt, not of the cool metal carving into my skin but the ache that constricted my heart and clouded my mind until I could see nothing around me but the cold, dark wasteland of eternity. And, sometimes, though I tried to keep such thoughts far at bay, I still wondered if the world would be better without me, after all. Perhaps the dream I'd had of everyone I loved being miserable in my absence was simply the result of the feverish grip death had on me and held absolutely no truth. Maybe there was still time to prevent the inevitable pain my existence would bring to those around me, and to myself...  
  
No, Troy. Don't entertain that idea for a moment longer. You've come so far from that horrible moment of your life. Don't return now, not when you must still do everything possible to erase the mistakes you made with Heaven, and let her know, once and for all, that you love her more than life itself.  
  
Feeling frightened of the darkness that had so quickly and easily enveloped me, I dropped the exacto knife back into the drawer, nudged it shut, and flicked my eyes to the wall clock. How had so much time already passed? The sky beyond the window was a deep cerulean now and though I searched for sound outside I heard no more voices or car engines.   
  
I panicked at the thought of a factory worker or Casteel family member finding me here, trespassing in Heaven's office. Quickly I focused my attention on the paper that lay in anticipation of my pen. Sighing nervously and setting the ballpoint down, I began to write in my most careful cursive.  
  
Heavenly--  
  
I grieve for the love I left out to dry and wither  
  
like these flowers have in the summer heat that does  
  
not compare to the passion I still feel for you.  
  
These flowers will die, but my love for you never  
  
will. Please give me a chance to mend the damage I so  
  
regretfully have done.  
  
All my love,  
  
TLT  
  
I read the words over again and again until some of the syllables no longer had meaning. Printing my cell phone number on the bottom of the page, I decided to leave fate in Heaven's hands. She would give me the chance to repair the bridges between us... or she would toss away this insignificant piece of paper and shed tears for the love she believed never existed inside my ever-aching heart.  
  
Standing from the supple leather chair, I left the note laying in plain view in the center of the desk, with the bouquet of wildflowers limply beside it. It was up to Heaven now, to forgive me... or forget me.  
  
I closed the door behind me. 


	3. Two

The melodic tune of crickets echoed through the hallway, making me realize just how late it had gotten. All else was silent except for my heavy breathing and the soft shuffling of my footsteps as I ambled through the factory, reluctant to leave even though I knew I had to. No use remaining here in a place that sent daggers through my heart and made my head whirl with imagined scenes of Heaven coming through any one of the doors that lined the corridor and walking right into my open arms.  
  
As I rounded the corner at the end of the hall, the thought of returning to my empty, lonely hotel room was unbearable. Exactly what was there for me to do now except sit and wait on pins and needles for Heaven's phone call? And how long would I wait if that call did not come tonight? How long would I remain in Winnerrow, waiting, waiting for an absolution that might never come?  
  
The silence of the hall did not answer my question, but my heart already knew the answer. Forever I would wait for Heaven... even as I knew my fortitude would never be satisfied.  
  
A steady rhythmic tapping caught my strayed attention and I stopped my slow pace to listen. Footsteps coming up the staircase. My breath caught in my throat and my heart began a throbbing furor even though I could not see who it climbing the stairs around the corner and down the hall. I knew who it was. Knew somehow the part of myself that had been missing for so long was now so near and so ready to reunite with the rest of me that had longed for her, dreamed of her, prayed she would someday return to make me whole again.  
  
I pressed my back straight against the hard wooden paneling of the wall and stayed absolutely still, listening breathlessly to the footfalls as they grew louder and then suddenly muffled as a door creaked open. Carefully I peered around the corner to see an empty hall - she had gone into her office. Taking care to make my steps silent, I crept up to the office and slowly, with my heart racing so much I nearly choked, I stepped into the doorframe and my eyes settled on exactly what I'd thirsted for for so very long.  
  
Heaven.  
  
Heaven so close I could reach out and touch her, take her hand in mine, run my trembling fingers through that silken ebony hair, place a soft kiss on the sleek incline of her cheek... or her mouth. I was suddenly afraid of the possibility of tasting her lips and the intensity of my desire to do just that.  
  
But I couldn't do that, I couldn't! She is my brother's daughter, I must remember, and married to another man. She is not mine to kiss and taste, not mine to embrace and caress... not mine to love as I so desperately did. Once she was, once in a time of blissful ignorance and false hope that quickly turned into shattered dreams. Our romance lay in fragments now, and it was forbidden to rebuild any part of it.  
  
I watched in muted awe as she took the wildflower bouquet slowly, so achingly slowly, into the warm cradle of the arms I wished to be in. "Troy," she sighed, a pleading in her voice so pained it echoed inside my own breaking heart.  
  
Oh, what delicious torment to merely watch her as my eyes filled rapidly with tears to blur my vision. A mirage she seemed now, a flood of shape and color, though the familiar scent of her perfume filled me and reminded me she was real and right here and not just a figment of my starved imagination.  
  
She moved to sit at her desk, and in a blink I was outside the door and hidden behind the wall. So deathly afraid of being seen, of the inevitable painful connection striking up between the two of us when we knew such a connection could not be fulfilled. Let me have these lingering moments of perfection when she was so close to me and thinking she was so alone and not having to pull away from me... yet.  
  
A soft ruffling of paper told me she had my letter in her hand and was reading it. The first tear slipped down my cheek as I imagined what was going through her head that very moment. Was she crying too, crying bitterly over the love I professed that she did not believe existed? Or would she by some grace of god believe in the words I'd printed on that paper, the words I would repeat to her again and again if only she would hear it... my love for you will never die...  
  
"Troy..."   
  
The sensation of her voice, weeping and desperate, overwhelmed me. I was filled suddenly with the urge to rush in and take her into my arms and ply kisses on her face to erase the tears that fell with each of her tortured sobs. The possibility of being denied was terrifying but the distance between us was absolute anguish. I couldn't stand this any longer. I couldn't struggle against the magnetic force that was slowly but surely pulling me towards her, tugging sharply until my defenses crumbled and I could do nothing but move once again into the doorway and fill my vision with her.  
  
Now she sat furrowed in her chair, turned to the windows, gazing out of them into the inky night sky. Don't wish upon that star, my precious Heavenly, for they are not worth a dime next to the stars that sparkle eternally in your beautiful eyes.  
  
I could hardly breathe as a dizziness washed over me and my hands reached out unwittingly towards her. I steadied and reminded myself of my purpose for being here, the mission I'd set out determinedly to complete today in Winnerrow. Explain everything to her, make it all clear, apologize for the lies you told. But do not hope for a happy ending. Do not imagine holding her in your arms tonight. Don't get too close to her, or you might not be able to control yourself...  
  
And yet I was already beyond the point of control.  
  
My steps were mere whispers on the carpet as I approached her chair, still facing the windows so that she took no notice of me. I stood close, so very close, and she didn't yet sense my presence, so I could take a long deep breath and absorb her essence as she sat crying still.   
  
My lips parted slowly to speak but nothing came out. No words seemed to do justice for all I needed to say. And so I decided not yet to speak at all.  
  
I reached out like a shadow and lay a trembling hand on Heaven's shoulder. 


	4. Three

The expression in Heaven's eyes floored me and took my breath away. So long it had been since I last was drawn in by the magic of her shimmering crystal blue eyes, and yet as we stood still in this moment that we'd waited so long for, it felt as if we'd never parted. And I suppose in a way we never had and never would part, for we were connected so deeply in such an inexplicable and intimate way that no matter where we were in the world or how much distance and time was between us, I'd always feel Heaven's presence alive and intense in my heart. Just enough was there for me to never forget her, never let my passion for her be sated... yet too much to ever cease missing her, and wanting her, and crying at night when my arms were empty and longing for her warmth beside me.  
  
"Troy," she whispered, the sound of it sending shivers coursing throughout my veins. "I... I was so afraid I'd missed you." Her voice was full of hesitant thrill and passion even as tears spilled from her eyes to roll slowly and silently down her cheeks. Her body tensed under my touch, a touch that burned and singed my hand with the extraordinary sensation of her skin against mine, and like a blazing fire, though I knew it inevitably would cause much harm, I could not help but touch it, caress it, as my own tears fell to match each of hers.  
  
"I'm here."   
  
I could hardly breathe and my chest constricted against the pounding of my heart within. Could she hear it, could she feel the vibrations of it in the air? It beat for her, only for her, and I wondered if hers stopped suddenly and let the life slip out of her, would mine follow?  
  
Time stood still and so did we, her seated in the leather armchair, I perched behind her, so weary with my unsatisfied love that I nearly swooned and collapsed. What exquisite torment to simply look at her, to drink in those eyes, those lips, the way her hair flowed around her jeweled ears to lay beside my hand on her shoulder. She must truly have been from Heaven, for nothing on earth could ever be this wondrous to behold, this hypnotizing, this tantalizing.  
  
But like that perfect place in the clouds, I was forbidden to have this woman. Such ecstasy was not meant for me. Save for me the dark recesses of hell, the rocky molten lava that would consume me, the demons that would peel the skin from my back with their tongues of fire - and still the pain would be nothing compared to all I've suffered living a life on earth without her.  
  
I ripped my hand from her shoulder, afraid suddenly to be touching her, terrified of what a simple union of hand and shoulder could lead to. So much more I wanted to touch... the nape of her neck with my lips, her lustrous hair entwined in my fingers, the bare skin of her entire body pressed hungrily against mine. Oh, but none of this could not happen, no, not again, not ever again.  
  
And perhaps she didn't want my touch any longer. What if the very sight of me planted a dark resentment in her heart? What if the memories of our love hurt her now, wounded her like I'd wounded her with my lies, my terrible, painful lies?   
  
It was time to resolve it all, time, finally, to mend what I could of our broken love.  
  
"Heaven," I said breathlessly. "Please don't speak until I'm finished with what I must say. There is so much I need to tell you... and yet I can think of nothing else to say but I love you. God, do I love you..."  
  
I bowed my head and sighed, laden with fright, fraught with desire, filled with a hundred emotions that tangled and strangled me. Despite the nights I lay awake planning for this day, my words poured out of me in uncontrollable confusing chaos.  
  
"Everything I told you the last time we met was a lie, a lie I thought then was necessary," I said with a desperate, melancholy tone. "In retrospect I realize what a horrible mistake that was, and if I could turn back time and erase all the pain I've caused, oh, I would without a second's thought. Heaven, please believe me... when I said I didn't love you, that was as far as possible from the truth."  
  
My entire body quaked as I explained everything to her about the painting and why I told Heaven then that I didn't love her. She listened attentively but hid her emotions well behind a mask of stillness, so that I was tense throughout my confession, wondering if my words were reaching some part deep in her core that could never believe my love for her was not true.   
  
Oh, but how could any part of her ever believe that? How could she forsake all the loving moments we shared at Farthy once upon a time when we weren't forbidden each other? How could she not believe the irrepressible truth in our nights of explosive passion? How could she not look into my eyes at this very moment and see the honesty of the tears coating them, slowly collecting at the rim until they made a jagged course down my face? It killed me to think she'd believed the lies I told her... and it hurt tenfold to know it was all my fault, all my fault.  
  
When I finished my story I paused and let silence suffocate the atmosphere. All had been revealed, finally, and though it did feel as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, to replace it was another just as heavy. Now it was all out of my hands. Now fate was Heaven's to control, and I shuddered in terror that she would not believe me now, not believe the truth. A sob caught in my throat, a sob for all the pain she must have felt, all the pain I caused in my misguided attempt at avoiding the very agony we were now trapped in.  
  
"Heaven," I whispered after a long hesitation. "Dear, dear Heaven. My heart aches knowing yours has been broken by my very hands. If you can't forgive me for what I've done, I will not blame you... for I cannot forgive myself. As long as you believe what I'm saying now, trust in my eternal love for you, I will leave you tonight and never return to hurt you with my presence again..."  
  
My voice drifted off into nothingness and a great nervous shaking overwhelmed my form, brought on by the rapid pace of my heart as it awaited in knots for Heaven's response.   
  
I was atop a cliff of unimaginable proportions, near to falling, and I waited, waited to discover if I would be caught by Heaven's loving trust and forgiveness, or if I would plummet with our falling tears to the dark unknown... 


	5. Four

As my heart came near to explosion in my chest, the air around us shifted from desperately tense to a dark longing ache, mirroring the glaze over Heaven's eyes. She paid no mind to the tears on her face, nor did I, for I was far too enthralled with the rapture that had taken over her expression, and my entire body. Before I could fall from the precipice of anticipation, her stillness broke and from her trembling lips poured a reaction I had not at all been expecting.  
  
"You're not the one who needs forgiveness," she contended with a sad, fractured voice. "I do..."  
  
My body drifted beyond my control until it stood right next to hers, and I was looking deeply, searchingly into her eyes as my breath caught in my throat with a silent sob. "There is nothing to forgive." My whisper was hoarsely trying to comfort her, take away whatever unfounded guilt she so generously had taken upon herself.  
  
"I... I don't know why I ever believed you when you told me you never loved me. I knew all along that you did," she said softly, "and always will. I was such a fool..."  
  
A shiver shot throughout me as her voice trailed off. She'd known all along I'd been lying? I prayed it was so, prayed the pain of thinking my love was false had never touched her. Oh, please, give me this one bit of good fortune to ease my broken heart! To cleanse my guilt for hurting her so, for ruining the lingering bit of love we'd always hold onto!  
  
"Yes," I replied, the affection in that small word almost choking me. "I always have loved you and always will. God help me, but I always will. Please believe me, Heaven... please, please tell me you too love me still."  
  
Her hands reached out to take mine. The warm silk of her skin enveloped me and created screeching lightning bolts inside my very veins. Slowly she upturned my palms and gazed worriedly at the scars that treaded along my wrists, the everlasting reminder of my weakness, my surrender to the years of suffering I was doomed to live. I nearly swooned as she brought my wrists to her lips to kiss the shiny white scars, tenderly, lovingly, so softly I wanted to meet those lips with my own and kiss away the invisible wounds I'd left on her heart.  
  
"I can never stop loving you Troy," she replied passionately. "If I do that... I'll be killing part of me."  
  
Oh, god, the desperate agony in those words nearly did kill me. A knife sliced right through my chest to think of all the tears she must have shed through the years we had been apart. And a bomb shattered my insides to know that those tears were futile, for never could we be together as we once were. Never could we return to that beautiful winter when she cured the ache inside me, though not completely killed it, so that it could be resurrected and reclaim me with a vengeance, once fate had ravaged our love and made it forbidden and unavailable. And yet, as if to spite the dark cloud hovering over me since birth, I loved her still, I loved her always, and so she would love me.  
  
"No matter who I am with or where I go, part of my heart will always belong to you," she went on, as if reading my mind. "I know you're going to tell me that it's wrong of me to feel the way I do, but I can't let go... neither can you."  
  
"Letting go of you would be letting go of the log keeping me afloat in an ocean that would swallow me whole and steal the breath from my lungs." I inhaled deeply, the breath shuddering past my lips that trembled with desire. "Loving you kills me, Heaven... yet loving you keeps me alive. You saved me when you came to my cottage that fateful stormy night."  
  
"When we found each other all those years ago," she said, the memory of that night coursing through her mind as surely as it was through mine, "it was as if we'd been asleep most of our lives, waiting for the right person to come along and awaken the people we really were. That is who you are to me, Troy."  
  
Her silky ebony hair was a magnet pulling me towards it until my face pressed into it's softness, and I breathed in her scent, her warmth, knowing I shouldn't be touching her even in this small way, but not being able to stop. "If that's so," I murmured distantly, distracted by the urge I felt to wrap my arms around her and the resistance I held, "I'm glad to have awoken your true self lying dormant inside, kept hidden from the world until then. For the woman you truly have become, Heaven, is beautiful in every way possible."  
  
"No other man has been able to make me feel more like a woman than you can..."  
  
I sighed into her hair, gripping the back of her head now tenderly with my right palm. How was it that we always ended up in this position, wanting each other, drawing towards each other, even though we knew it was wrong? Pull away from her now, Troy, before it's too late...  
  
And even as I thought that, my left arm lifted to circle around her waist and pull her closer to me, against my chest, so I could feel hers rise and fall as she breathed heavily.  
  
"Heaven," I choked out painfully, finding some reason in my clouded head, "I should leave now before we do something we might regret."  
  
But she would not let go anymore than I would. "Please don't leave me Troy," she pleaded desperately. "When you leave... I'm always so afraid that this time I won't be able to find you again." She paused in silent hesitation before continuing with a melancholy fear. "When I thought you were going to die... I felt like part of me would die with you."  
  
"A part of me already is dead. The part that cannot live without your love steadily by my side. All that's left now is the hollow shell of a man drifting through time and space, through the long, cold, lonely nights when the only one he loves is asleep beside the husband she is able to freely love."  
  
"I try so hard to love Logan," Heaven replied, but weakly, "and I do love him." It sounded as if she was trying to convince herself more than me. "But something's always been missing," she went on sadly, "and I've always been able to find it with you..."  
  
She lowered her head to my shoulder then, and when I felt her weight against me, my entire form shivered with the deliciousness of it.  
  
"Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest on the tree, is it not?" Again I sighed, fighting with myself to resist the temptation that brewed inside of me. "I don't want to deny you, Heaven, but I don't want to ignore the voice within me that's screaming now to remember what happened to Adam and Even when they tasted the one apple they shouldn't have. It was the greatest mistake of their lives. We cannot make the same wrong turn..."  
  
The blaze in the fireplace snapped loudly then to draw my focus away from the sensation of Heaven's breath on my neck. Distractedly I wondered why there was a fire roaring in the middle of a warm summer's day. Ah, but how ironic, for isn't our love the same? Hot, bright, intense, yet so out of place, so wrong... always snuffed out until it was nothing but smoke floating aimlessly in the atmosphere, suffocating me, suffocating her.  
  
And like the embers that glowed, my skin was set on fire by her touch. The flame of our desire was being fanned with each passing moment we stood holding each other, feeling each other's heartbeat, drinking each other in. Slowly I eased back away from her, only so I could stare deep into her eyes and look for the answers I knew did not even exist. So easily I could lose myself in the blue sky of her eyes... lose my head in the clouds of them so I forgot what was reality and what was simply a dream. Perhaps this was a dream, for it was all unfolding so beautifully that it could not possibly be real. Yes, let this be a dream... and never let me wake up...  
  
Even as my lips drifted towards Heaven's, I knew what was about to come was inevitable and nothing either of us could do would stop the fate that was already in motion. We were but a tragic nocturne in a symphony that had been written long ago, and destiny would bring us to a crashing crescendo, not letting us ever cover our ears to block out the sound that seduced and hypnotized us both.  
  
My mouth met hers with an electric quake and the world around us disappeared. All that existed now was Heaven and her softly urgent kiss, the smooth curve of her neck that fit perfectly in my palm, the racing furor of our hearts that pounded against each other's chest. I knew as I relished the taste of her that never would we be able to resist this, this delicious ecstasy, this magnetic pull that would never weaken. No sense in trying to escape the love that would always flourish even outside the Garden of Eden we had been banished from long ago.  
  
I surrendered any last lingering resistance and wondered if Heaven, too, was as willing as I was, wrong or right, to give in to the burning love, the intense passion we could no longer deny... 


	6. Five

I was sinking, slowly being devoured by hot water that began a numb tingling at my feet and rose up, up, until I was spellbound and drowning. Suffocating with the sheer pleasure of it, the sensation of not being able to breathe or think or hardly move, only succumb to the warmth that enveloped me. Succumb to the burning cravings shooting throughout my body, the utter lack of strength to pull back and stop what would always be in motion. No, don't stop. Kiss her, hold her, cling to her... love her now if only for the night.  
  
Heaven pulled back, breaking the kiss I wished could last forever. But her hands did not leave me, nor did her eyes, and still I could feel the heat radiating from her to burn me, consume me.  
  
"If I thought it were possible Troy," she whispered desperately, tears in her voice, "I would want us to be together like this forever..."  
  
Oh, but it was possible! Possible to escape the knowing eyes of those who were aware our love was sinful. Possible to leave behind all we know and begin anew with only each other. Possible to put aside all guilt we might feel, and remember only our eternal love, the passion that will never be sated, the pure ecstasy we find in each other. We could do that, we could...  
  
But could Heaven bear to break Logan's heart, to desert the husband she claims to love, who loves her? And could she leave Annie motherless in a broken home, or take her away from her roots to live with a new family, the true father who's still a stranger to her? So many others would feel betrayed, disappointed, angered. Oh, there was too much at stake, too many people to be hurt in too many ways. Too many reasons why the only love I've ever known must always be denied.  
  
I knew she was thinking of all this, too, for I could see the desperate melancholy painted all over her face, all in dark colors, indigo blue for sadness, scarlet red for the passion we had to ignore, the blackest of black for the looming void that would always live in our hearts.  
  
"Heaven." Her name burst from my mouth in a throaty whisper as I clutched her head to my cheek and let my lips tremble against her warm ear. "You know it is not possible. It never truly has been. Leave this place now," I begged even as I held her tightly against me, "turn away from me and don't look back. Save us both from what always ends in inevitable heartache..."  
  
"I can't leave you now."  
  
Her gentle hand reached out to stroke my cheek and I sighed and quivered under the soft pressure of her skin. Oh, how could one person set me ablaze with the fire of a million suns? How could she have such a profound affect on me, stealing all reason from me until I was but a shadow moving silently, stealthily, towards the light I forever craved, the light of her love?  
  
My heart seized in my chest until I could barely breathe and I choked out a frustrated sob, a desperate, gasping cry as a tear slipped down my cheek. "Heaven..."  
  
"Let's have our last night together again, my darling," she pleaded, coaxing me, drawing me further and further from the sanity I clung too. "It's what we both want... what we both need to have..."  
  
I buried my face in her hair, crying softly, forcing back the sobs that threatened to erupt and break me completely. My emotions gripped me with an icy hand and all I could do to escape was let Heaven's warmth melt through the chill, peel those constricting fingers of control away from me until the tears were no more and my head was caught in a cloud of numbness. I lost myself in her eyes, those deep, hypnotizing eyes, until I felt nothing but piercing heat traveling throughout me, boiling the blood in my veins, flushing my face and tensing all the muscles in my body.   
  
Slowly, slowly I brought my trembling lips again towards hers, letting her taste the salt of the tears that had trickled to my mouth, so she would not forget, as I could never forget, the pain that would always come hand in hand with this ultimate ecstasy.  
  
"Oh, Heaven," I breathed, near to panting, as my hands trailed over her back, her arms, her hips, feeling every sensual curve of her. "Let's not think of this as one night that will be over when we wake in the morning. Let us believe this is only a dream, a magical, perfect dream we will never wake from..."  
  
And, as if in a dream, where I forgot who I was and who she was and knew only the passion that was controlling me now, my hands sought out the zipper in the back of her sapphire dress and pulled it down, slowly down, until my fingers were shivering at the touch of the bare skin of her back. My lips trailed from her neck across each of her shoulders, kisses to slowly nudge away the dress until it fell like a feather down her arms.  
  
Gripping her hips firmly, I pulled her fast against me and crushed my mouth over hers. Like hungry animals my hands tugged and pulled on her dress until it fluttered to the floor and she was almost naked in my arms. Fervently, desperately, not wanting a second to be wasted and interrupt this furious ardor, I pushed Heaven down to the floor so she lay upon her crumpled dress in front of the fireplace. The first still blazed inside, flickering to throw soft illuminations and shadows over Heaven's bare skin. My kisses followed the firelight, roaming all over, seeking out the places that made us both shudder with thrilling bliss.  
  
On and on I kissed, stroked, caressed, utterly lost to the world and all it denied me. I would not be denied tonight. The dream that haunted me night after night was now a reality. The wish I made on endless stars was coming true. The love I needed to survive was here before me for the taking. Heaven was the lifeblood my heart never pumped, the breath of fresh air my lungs were always sealed to, the cool water to quench the thirst that forever frustrated me. And I would not be denied tonight... 


	7. Six

Control was utterly lost as Heaven and I fell upon each other, throbbing and hot with the intensity of our desire, the fury of our passion that seemed to spill over the entire world and rinse away anything that was sinful about our loving touches. She trembled as she clung to me, pressed herself against me, the last drops of tension in her body melting each with kiss I planted onto her burning skin, until she was slowly peeling away my clothes and tossing them aside, leaving nothing between our bodies but fierce electricity.  
  
Her eyelids fluttered shut and her hands roamed through my hair as my lips made a trail from the soft hollow of her neck to the valley between her breasts to the small puckered navel and beyond. The heat of her body rose ever higher to match mine, until the two of us were creating a fire brighter and hotter than that which blazed and crackled in the fireplace next to us. The light flickering upon her face made her seem a phantom in my arms, a shadow that would slip away soon and leave me cold unless I could fill myself up with her essence while I had the chance. Every movement I made was slow and lingering to make this night of our forbidden surrender last as long as possible, so I could drink in as much of her as I could before we inevitably awoke from the dream that could never last forever.  
  
A strange numbness came over me, made me feel distant, detached. I was hovering somewhere above, out of myself, watching everything unfold before my unfocussed eyes. I couldn't stop it from happening even though a small, weak voice buried deep inside me struggled to burst free from its shackles and convince me to stop this before it was too late... but it was already too late.  
  
"Troy."  
  
The soft hum of her voice brought me crashing back to reality, sending a violent lightning bolt throughout me. Hearing my name in her voice was pure rapture, though it brought tears to my eyes and an silent sob to my lips, wondering if I would ever hear her speak it again. These overwhelming emotions shifted moment to moment until they blended seamlessly together and thrilling ecstasy was the same as crippling depression. It didn't matter what I was feeling inside, as long as I felt her lips on me, her breath rippling over my skin, her arms locked around me and holding me close against her.  
  
"Heaven..." Moaning her name breathlessly, I moved over her and let our limbs intertwine. I rained kisses down upon her, which she eagerly returned, seducing me merely by wanting me, needing me. I felt real only when I was with her, alive only when she was here to breathe life into my withered soul. Losing her again would kill me, batter and bruise me as it had done time and time before, leaving me a ghost of a man doomed to walk through purgatory in his own cold shadow until the pain became unbearable.  
  
"I love you so much..."  
  
I didn't realize I was crying until I saw small drops of wetness on the smooth porcelain of her cheek. I lifted a shaking hand to wipe them away and brush back the feathers of hair that had fallen across her forehead. Our gazes locked and my heart pounded harder, my breath coming faster and heavier, my body tensing in anticipation of what it knew was coming, coming soon. I was trapped in a delicious daze as my body shifted into place between the legs she wrapped around me.  
  
"I love you, Heaven... love more you than life itself..."  
  
Suddenly we were made one being. A choking gasp shuddered through me and burst out of lips that trembled and hung open in blissful shock. We moved rhythmically against each other, our lovemaking never seeming so desperate, so urgent, so fraught with reckless abandon. I was barely able to breathe, barely holding onto consciousness. I gazed down as we rode the waves of our passion for what seemed like forever, but time did not exist now, not in these moments when the world around us blurred and faded to black and we were the only beings left, seized in our own inescapable web of manic exhilaration.  
  
A hot ecstasy rose up inside me, swelled and grew until it took me over completely and made my entire body shiver and tremble against her. I crushed her desperately against me, clung to her for dear life, my mind clouded and dizzy as the burning lava inside bubbled and boiled and finally exploded. My breath hitched in my throat as I hovered over her, shaking with euphoric rapture, trembling with the delirious shock to my system. Heaven held me tight and eased my body down onto hers as my heart raced and throbbed almost painfully. The fire that consumed me died down slowly, slowly, until I was once again able to breathe, able to think, able to move.  
  
Gently I slid down to her side, keeping one of my legs tangled with hers as I wrapped an arm tightly around her and laid my heavy head down on the soft pillow of her hair. I felt intoxicated and delusional, but relieved and fulfilled as I had not been in an incalculable amount of time. But, like the eye of a storm, the rainbow did not last long between the dark, thick clouds of doom that loomed ahead, waiting to settle over me once again. Desperately I staved off the tragic ending of this perfect, unforgettable night, and instead welcomed the sleep that would chase away the clouds if only for a short while longer. Fall asleep enveloped in Heaven's arms, comforted by the warmth of her skin, and don't think yet of the heartache that inevitably awaited.  
  
Her voice was distant and hazy as she murmured that she would always love me, and I whispered the same in reply. I tightened my grasp around her, kissed her forehead weakly, and sighed into her hair as we both slipped off to the saving grace of sleep. 


	8. Seven

The musky scent of fire and wood stirred me from shallow sleep. While I lingered in the narrow gap between consciousness and unconsciousness, I felt Heaven's presence in the circle of my arms and thought I was surely still dreaming. But the slow, steady rhythm of her breath right next to my ear and the warmth of her naked skin pressed against mine reassured me that this was no mere reverie. This reality was endlessly more precious and delicious than any dream, and yet it was at the same time more despondent and terrifying than any nightmare.  
  
My eyelids fluttered open and I stared down at Heaven's sleeping face. So angelic she was, so ethereal. I tightened my embrace, feeling her shift under my slight movements, a hitch in her breath as she buried her face deeper into my shoulder. I sighed remembering the wonderful nights we'd spend together at Farthy, long, long ago when we were both young and naïve. I thought I knew so much about life even though I was only in my early twenties. I thought I was wise beyond my years, and perhaps I was, learning from my feverish dreams, the myriad illnesses that seemed to haunt me, the innate knowledge buried deep in my young mind. But nothing I'd suffered back then could have prepared me for the greatest heartache I was yet to face... loving Heaven, and losing her.  
  
And forever after I was always loving and losing her. Even now as she lay in my arms, her hot cheek against my shoulder, the rise and fall of her chest pressing against mine, I loved her so impossibly much that tears sprang instantly to my eyes when I thought that again I would lose her. If only time froze and cemented the two of us here in this lovely moment... but such was a foolish wish. As always, the small flash of light that had come into my world would be inevitably extinguished, and I would be left in the dark cold emptiness that had become my life.  
  
For long wistful moments I gazed at her, moved by beautiful image of this dozing angel that I etched onto my memory forever. The vision of her would keep me warm through the lonely nights ahead, and yet it would at the same time remind me of my own endless, cureless depression. Heaven was all I wanted, all I needed, she was everything... and cruel fate forbade our love, denied us each other, kept the only woman I ever loved permanently locked away from my starving heart. Mere fleeting moments were we able to steal in which to be together, to let loose our love and let passion take over, and in the blink of an eye those moments were finished and again we were forced apart, forced to continue on separate paths. Where did my path take me besides farther and farther from Heaven? I didn't care if it led straight to the depths of hell... for nothing could be worse than life on earth without her.  
  
Finally, tearfully, reluctantly I shifted Heaven's weight, removed her arms from their comforting place around my waist, and rolled away from her sleeping form. She did not waken, though she did curl up and reach her fingers out to grasp the man who was not there. She slept on as I stood from the floor beside the fireplace and gathered together my clothes. As I slipped them on, I did not take my eyes from her. I would drink her in as much as possible now before I said goodbye yet again, the saddest goodbye of all.  
  
I cringed to think of the heartache Heaven would suffer upon waking to find herself alone. Oh, many tears I knew she would cry to match my own that tumbled silently down my cheeks. I wished to be here to comfort her, to tell her again and again that I loved her more than anything and always would. But I knew deep in my heart that if we were both awake to say goodbye, it would be exponentially more painful, more difficult to let go. No, I and I alone would bear the burden of leaving behind the one person in the world I felt connected to. I would bear the burden of severing that bond no matter how excruciating it was to do so.  
  
Once fully dressed, I stole quietly to her desk and took a seat at her high leather chair. Retrieving a long blank piece of paper, I took a pen in my hand and reflected achingly a moment before writing a note that conjured another ocean of tears and sobs I forced myself to swallow back, lest I wake her with my cries.  
  
My sweet forbidden love,  
  
Each time we part it seems I will not survive the unbearable  
  
heartache. Yet as I leave you tonight, the memory of our  
  
beautiful, wonderful love engraved forever on my heart, I  
  
know I can live on to love you another day. For there is no  
  
sense in living life without finding the deep, consuming love  
  
we have, despite how forbidden it may be. As long as I have  
  
our precious memories locked away in my heart, and know  
  
you too will always remember our passion, I have enough of  
  
you to last me to the day I finally pass out of this purgatory  
  
and into the next world. Perhaps there, you will not be denied  
  
to me. Perhaps there, we will be free to love each other as  
  
much as we would. Until we meet again, wherever it may be,  
  
know that I will forever love you.  
  
I signed this letter with my initials and stared at it for a long minute, my heart cracking and dividing with each passing second. What torture to read these words meant to comfort Heaven and ease the heartache she would suffer. What torment to know that, truly, the memories were not nearly enough.  
  
Folding the ends of the paper in towards each other so it became a rectangle, I rose from the desk and stepped lightly, slowly to where Heaven lay still. How I wished to leave a kiss upon her cheek, or even her lips, but she surely would waken if I dared even the softest touch. So I merely left the letter beside her, a few of my tears falling to stain it.  
  
Making my melancholy way to the door, I gazed achingly at Heaven's radiant face, feeling the great weight of depression settle once again on my shoulders. Never would leaving her grow easier. It would always be the most difficult thing I ever had to do - if I would ever get the chance to do it again. As I lingered in the doorway, I knew I would eagerly suffer through the unbearable agony of leaving Heaven again, if it meant I was able to hold her in my arms again and love her as I did tonight. It was worth it... oh, it was worth it.  
  
But I would have to wait and pray for that chance to someday come again. Right now, our stolen time together had come to an end. Right now, my chance to truly live was over, and I was ready to return to the darkness of my everyday lonesome. I stared at Heaven until tears blurred my vision and she became nothing more than a swirl of colors. Breathing a deep, shattering sigh, I pulled myself out of the room, and shut the door softly behind me. 


End file.
